I'm so tired. It was just one night, but I'm so tired.
And that damn pacifier.
I'm sitting here at the coffee table, sipping on honeyed caffeine and looking across at my baby girl in a swing, praying she'll go back to sleep. I'm weeping. Head in my hands and feeling like a failure.
I stayed up with her for two hours last night, so tired and frustrated that she can't put herself back to sleep without her pacifier. Most nights there's no problem and she only wakes up once to eat. But some nights it's every 40 minutes for 3 hours or more, and I want to take a butcher knife to that damn pacifier. I want to hit myself every time she cries for it because I taught her to use it in the first place.
So she cries on and off for 2 hours while I "pick up/put down" and shush-pat til the room spins and I'm utterly exhausted on a chair next to her crib. No more pacifier, I tell myself. She will learn to stay asleep. No backing down this time.
The real kicker? Sometimes she'd be calm enough to pause for a few minutes and look up at me and smile. The nerve!
I hate that damn pacifier.
Finally she falls asleep and I return to our room and curl up in a ball. Again. Because I did this about 30 minutes prior, telling Jamie that "I can't do this any more." But I did.
When she woke at 5 am to eat I thought she'd go back to sleep, but no - she needed that damn pacifier. And this time I give it to her because I'm too tired to think. So much for her learning to stay asleep without it.
She wakes up at 7 am smiling and happy, because she's just that kind of person.
I, on the other hand, am begrudgingly take her into our room to nurse her, and she takes one side and then promptly starts biting down. I pull her off several times and she smiles at me again, and I get more frustrated.
I turn my back to her, trying to find comfort in a fetal position. It doesn't work. I have a headache. I tell myself I'm over this.
And then I remember, as the Holy Spirit whispers to me: "This is how you are to Jesus sometimes. You bite and cry, and most of the time you don't understand why you're doing it. But it hurts him, just like she hurts you."
And that verse comes up in my head. Isaiah 49:15. "Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you."
Oh, the love of Jesus! The love of our God. How extremely humbling.
And I know Penny doesn't know what she's doing. She's just confused and frustrated and tired, just like her mama. And I love her so much.
But the Lord loves us both, even more than I can fathom. His love never fails. His mercies are new every morning. And His patience never ends. He's the perfect example for this weary child.
Keep looking to that Perfect example, Susan! And keep sharing honestly about the hard stuff and your feelings of "failure," because you'll find that others will then share with you that you're not alone (as I'm about to do), and you'll also encourage others who thought they were the only ones who've found this motherhood job to be harder than they expected.
ReplyDeleteNow, first of all: I totally remember all that "pick up/put down" and shush-pat craziness. You're trying anything and everything, hoping something will work. Sometimes it seems like the advice is worthless, and you want to burn the book in which you found it. Then other times...what do you know, it worked! Anyway, don't give up...one of these days, whether because of or in spite of your desperate efforts, Penny is going to sleep through the night!
Also, I want to say that it's normal to even feel mad at your little baby sometimes (no matter how much you love her), because she just won't let you sleep! Life can seem pretty dismal and overwhelming when you're sleep-deprived, and it's hard to want to take care of someone else's needs when you feel so deliriously drained yourself!
Well, as you shared in your post, motherhood can definitely teach you a lot about the love of God. And let me just say that this early stage you're in is a mere precursor of many more similar learning opportunities on the road ahead.
Having traveled that road for 6 1/2 years now, I'm currently on a mission to cut out yelling from my mothering "tactics." Yep, that's right. When they're cute little babies, you just don't imagine yourself one day raging at your own children (although, I do recall walking away from my newborn into another room and screaming in frustration at least once).
Parenthood is so humbling, but that's a good thing! I'm here to attest that being a parent will reveal to you scary sides of yourself that you never knew were there. But along with this, you will grow in ways you didn't know you needed to. And you will come to better understand God's perfect love, graciousness, patience, etc. toward you, as you see your own failure to act in those ways toward your children.
I praise God daily that His grace is sufficient and that He loves my children far more than I can. Even when I've failed as a parent, I've seen how God was able to bring good from it and even strengthen the bond between my kids and me.
I've been able to show my kids how to say "I'm sorry" and how to forgive.
I've had numerous opportunities to explain to them that "we parents don't have it all together," but in those moments I've also been able to point them toward God as the one perfect Father (they sure don't have ME on a pedestal!). (:
And though I sorely regret every damaging word said and every unwise deed done, I always have hope that the Power within can bring about change in me if only I'll let Him!
We parents need not despair that we are doomed to keep failing in the same ways or to the same extent. All along the way in this journey, God is always at work IN us, even in our moments of failure. And He is a Partner TO us as we struggle to raise healthy, godly children. Praise Him!
(p.s. Please excuse my hijacking your blog to spout off my own thoughts. Didn't plan to write that much!)
Anne (: