My Husband is a Puffer Fish

Huge generalization: Men often only see the big picture and miss details about the present. Women often only see their immediate surroundings and get lost in the details, forgetting the bigger picture in favor of the here and now. With that said...

I just read an article on one of my favorite websites, Inhabitat, about breathtakingly beautiful under-water crop circles. These intricate patterns are, believe it or not, created by tiny puffer fish in order to attract female puffers. The more intricate the design, the more she is likely to lay her eggs in the central part of the design, supposedly created to shield eggs from ocean currents due to the ridges and valleys. She’s kind of the ultimate “nester” and he’s kind of the ultimate nest provider.

Well, I am definitely in the “nesting” stage of pregnancy, and while I know my baby will be just fine sleeping in a drawer, I’m getting more and more excited at the prospect of living upstairs (in a real bedroom) and giving our baby a place of her own (as nice as my socks are). And Jamie, the industrious puffer fish that he is, is busy hammering away creating a beautiful, safe retreat far from the downstairs laundry room, mounds of clothes, our massive desk and boxes piled ceiling to floor.

But I have to confess, it’s kind of hard for me to keep the end result in my mind. I’m an extremely visual person, so picturing our extravagantly tiled shower and marble vanity, hardwood floors throughout the bedrooms, an illuminated closet and a Narnia-themed nursery (most of this design is Jamie’s idea) is a bit of a challenge when there’s dust everywhere, sharp construction tools hiding the stained carpets, and plastic covering any existing accoutrement. I wonder if the female pucker fish gets just as impatient when she’s swimming around searching for the perfect spot for her eggs. All the guy puffers are tirelessly swishing dust this way and that, creating incredibly beautiful geometric mosaics in the sand and KNOWING the final look will be a masterpiece, but how is it noticeable when the only thing the ladies are able to see is cloudy water? Why do we (or should I only speak for myself?) have such a hard time seeing the end result or just being patient when all I want to do is decorate? 

Do the female puffers swim past the dust clouds and settle for a semi-pro crop circle because she’s tired of waiting? Or are the girls smart enough to take a vacation until construction on their dream pad is finished?

Obviously I wouldn’t leave our house for another just because ours is under construction – I would be a fool.

But I'm awfully tempted to take a vacation.

Images by Yoji Ookata

Boobs? Check. Belly? Check. Feet? Feet?? FEEEEET!!

Someone stole my feet. I first realized the items were missing perhaps halfway through my second trimester. I was taking a shower and looked down at my belly, but something was different (other than the fact that the once flat stomach was now the size of a soccer ball). My feet! They were gone! And that’s when I realized that this little squirmy wormy baby girl inside of me was slowly taking over my body. She’s stealing stuff, and I mean important stuff that I’ve relied on for my entire life. And this is just the beginning.

I don’t feel like a “large” pregnant woman, but I do have moments of feeling fat. It’s uncomfortable at times - as she grows, everything inside of me pushes up against my ribs, squeezing my lungs and making it hard to breathe. I waddle now. I climb the 5 steps to our door and I’m winded. I literally "roll" out of bed. I don’t think Jamie is used to my new size because he still seems to think I can squeeze past him in a doorway. I fear I won’t be able to reach the washing machine soon because the space between it and the wall is only about two feet. I guess I’ll have to eventually pick my belly up and slide myself across the top of the dryer, my feet dangling a few inches above the ground as I shift over toward the washing machine.

Either that, or I stop doing laundry… Hmm…

But I still think it’s fair to answer honestly when people ask me how I feel. Most days I feel fine. Sleep is a bit tricky since rolling over in bed has become more of a process. But some days I just feel fat. I do. And I wonder to myself whether Jamie still thinks I’m attractive because my shape has changed so much, because I can’t wear my super cute green dress without looking like a snake that’s just swallowed a meal. Because I can’t kiss him without maneuvering slightly to the side to get my belly out of the way. This might be too much information, but sex is something of a new adventure, too. It can be complicated - sometimes really complicated. And it can be frustrating, for both of us.

But we’ve learned to communicate about these new challenges. And don’t get me wrong - I don’t really think he doesn’t find me attractive, but honestly the thoughts still happen. The truth of my identity in Christ and my trust in Jamie wins out, but the thoughts still happen. And no matter how many times someone tells me I don’t look fat, I still feel that way sometimes. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling that way and admitting to it. I know folks just want to encourage me, but I don’t really feel discouraged. Just fat. And just sometimes. Not most times, but sometimes.

Anyway, knowing my feet are still below me is a comfort, for sure (I did check), but since the discovery I’ve felt a striking sense that this child has already staked her claim in my life. In many areas, too - not just weight or body shape. I’m starting to grasp the fact that I have given over my entire life (willingly and purposefully) to better hers. And if she needs to take away my line of sight to my feet, well - that’s just one small sacrifice I’m willing to pay to make sure she gets what she needs to grow strong and healthy and know the Lord. Jesus gave us so much more than that when He sacrificed His life for our futures. Not only did He give us His feet, but he gave his hands, his side, his head… He gave his very blood, his very breath, to make sure we had the chance to see the Father.

And I know, while sometimes it’s a struggle, I am willing to give the same for my daughter. Feeling fat on occasion, or winded, or tired, or unattractive truly pales in comparison to knowing that God is making her into who she needs to be for this life.

A Plea for Positivity

How many parents have heard these words right after telling someone you were going to have a baby?

     

“Congratulations! Get ready to never sleep.”

“Congratulations! Live it up now while you can.”

“Congratulations! So how well do you handle exhaustion?”

What cracks me up the most is how all those negative comments are often followed with the standard, “But it’s worth it.” As if ending the conversation with those four little words makes the previous stressful images of a sleep-deprived non-life just fly out the window.

My request, my plea to anyone who has experience as a parent is to start conversations with those encouraging words. It would certainly give parents like me, soon-to-be first time moms (or dads) who have no clue what they’re up for, a little more confidence and trust that we’re in an okay place, that it is all going to be worth it and that those words aren’t just throw-aways that are placed into the conversation because “it’s something I should say, now that she’s peed her pants out of fear.”

When speaking to a first-time mom or dad, if you have experience in this area, be honest. But don’t freak us out first, thinking that your sincere “It’s all worth it” comment will be heard and remembered over and above the previous “You’re in for it now” forebodings.

Don’t sugar coat. But please, I beg you, tell us about the beauty of parenthood first, how we’re capable, how our bodies can handle it, how God is always there to help, how you love us and are there to help us, too, before weighing us down with the other side of reality – that it IS going to be hard, that we’ll want to cry (or even quit), that we’ll lose our tempers, that sleep as we know it will change. You’re not the first to tell us – we’ve been told that since day one. What we need to hear, and what isn’t really emphasized (in my opinion), are the positive aspects of the daily sacrifice. You parents have such a great opportunity to build us up and encourage us newbies, and that encouragement will directly affect our outlook on parenthood and, consequently, our children’s lives. What a gift you have!

It’s so easy to knock someone off a chair, and it’s much harder to pull someone up after weighing them down with the struggles they’ll face. So why not pull up a light, willing heart that is still eager for the experience? We’ll be so much more confident knowing we will not only survive, but THRIVE.

Then ease us into the hardships we’ll face. If you’ve already assured us that parenthood is worth it, we will be better equipped to face the challenges that teach us what sacrifice really means.

This newbie thanks you in advance, from the bottom of my heart. :)

Your Body is Now Public Property

I always believed it, but now I know it to be true. For some reason, when you're growing a human being in your tummy, it suddenly ends all concept of personal space and you WILL be touched. Not just by your close friends and family, but by strangers. Strangers! Two people could be completely indifferent to each other, but as soon as someone hears those two little words (I'm pregnant), the whole facade falls like a fortress wall crumbling to pieces.

"Oooo! You're pregnant!" Out shoots the hand straight for the belly (which, in my case, is still pretty small. Not that it matters to the stranger touching me.). "When are you due?"

I really can't complain that much, though, because I see the sincerity and wonder in their eyes, the confusion over the mystery and the excitement at the prospect of life. Being pregnant really is a wonderful and bizarre concept, and you don't need to be pregnant (obviously, for the male sex) to get that "weird wonderfulness" on some level.

The miracle of pregnancy truly is a miracle, and I shouldn't be surprised that others think so. But why are so many people drawn to pregnant women? Why does it open so many doors and cause so many walls to crumble? We can read about, research and study the chemistry and science behind it, but that never seems to fully explain just how it is that one can grow another.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you."

And Psalms 139:13-16 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me when as yet there were none of them."

Somehow even those who don't believe that they were formed by a creative and loving God, that they were formed by the One who formed the universe, that they were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made are drawn to the miracle of pregnancy. It's as if, when we reach out to touch a pregnant belly, we're somehow drawing closer to the miracle through osmosis, losing ourselves in the mystery and the magnificence of new life. 

And to think, each one of us was once that miracle, too.

What an amazing thing.

Maternity Clothes Monopoly

I'm not really a dress-wearing gal. But trying to squeeze into a pair of regular pants or shorts right now is a laugh, especially after eating (which takes up most of my existence). I've heard of the belly band (a thick, waste-sized hair band that's supposed to allow you to unbutton your pants and save you from purchasing maternity pants for a few more months), but I also hear it's annoying to have to adjust and can be somewhat uncomfortable. I've heard of using a real hair tie to fasten the button loop to the button so, again, you can leave your pants unbuttoned. But both of these are just temporary solutions, and in my opinion no replacement for the comfort of actual maternity pants.

At the risk of sounding like a sponsor for this genre of pant, maternity shorts/pants are some of the most comfortable items of clothing I've ever worn in my life. Seriously, even if I wasn't pregnant, I might consider wearing them for special occasions (say, Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner). They're like fashionable sweats, pulling on and off easily and expanding when you've got an extra gut to deal with, except it's okay to wear these pants in public.

The only main issue I have with maternity pants (and it's a huge issue) is the price. I mean, is it my fault pregnancy demands that my entire front side grow to the size of a watermelon? Okay, I know pregnancy for me was a choice, one I'd choose again in a heartbeat if I had to, but come ON. It feels more like a strange form of punishment, forcing a pregnant woman to pay upwards of $40 on average for a pair of comfortable pants. It's like retail stores have become backward educators as they snarl, "We will teach you to bear the future generation! Now sign over your soul and enjoy getting huge. By the way, no returns, refunds or exchanges. You might stretch them out the first time you wear them."*

Okay, so that last part is a bit of an exaggeration (I'm sure the pants are returnable), but the cost is not. It's a good thing so many of my friends have had babies before me so I've been handed down some amazing clothes. The pants and shorts are a different matter, though, and my frame still requires that I spend about $120 (or more) throughout my pregnancy on new pants to be truly comfortable. It's either that, or wear dresses all the time. Did I mention I'm not really a dress-wearing gal?

So I hand over my credit card, feeling guilty as I explain to Jamie (my husband) that it's not my fault I've spent our entire life savings on (uber comfortable and pretty cute) clown pants, to which he always responds with, "Of course it's not your fault. But we will be joining the circus to make continued use out of those pants once the baby is born. No sense wasting the investment." He's so smart.

*For anyone interested in a great deal, I was able to find some $15 shorts and pants at Burlington Coat Factory. And here's a HUGE thanks to my mom who took me to purchase the first installment of new clothes.

Next on Baby Fat: Your Body is Now Public Property

The Boobs (or, Man's Curse During Pregnancy)

One of the first things I discovered shortly after learning I was pregnant was that it was going to be an extremely difficult secret to keep for long. Jamie and I had decided to wait until I was “out of the danger zone,” as it’s so sensitively referred to, before going public. That meant asking our close family and friends to keep it on the DL for about 9 more weeks. So basically, the second we told Jamie’s family, everyone on that side knew. It’s like telepathy with them. I doubt they even bother calling each other any more. To use an archaic reference, they’re sort of like the Borg. You tell one, you tell the collective. No offense taken or intended.

It didn’t matter anyway; I just had to push up telling the rest of my extended family. We’re to the point of telling more friends as well. That’s just how we roll.

But there’s always someone who will get offended you didn’t tell them sooner, no matter how much you wanted to tell them and just didn’t feel ready, no matter that it’s your baby and you have a right to tell or not tell anyone you wish, no matter if you’ve never really met them your entire life. Chances are, you’ll offend someone. I eventually got over it. Besides, unless they’re the ones who will answer the 3am “I’m hungry, give me boob,” wakeup call, they can deal with their disappointment.

Speaking of boobs… So in the book of Genesis, Eve (and every woman after her) gets cursed with painful childbearing for eating the forbidden fruit. But did you know that Adam (and every man after that) was also cursed during this season? Boobs become the forbidden fruit themselves--they’re huge, beautiful, you want to touch them… But touch them, even just a little, and DIE. (this imagery is courtesy of Nicole’s friend’s husband regarding his wife’s forbidden fruit during her pregnancy, so you know it’s true. And I’m sure my husband can attest to it as well.)

Next on Baby Fat:

The Monopoly of Maternity Clothes.

It's not a Bump, it's Bloating

Welcome, one and all, to my very own pregnancy story. I’ve never thought of myself as a serious blogger, but my friend Nicole (by the way, names won’t be changed for the safety or security of anyone I mention. Unless I just don’t like you. In that case, your name will be avoided at all costs.) encouraged me to chronicle this “season” of my life because she thinks I’m witty. And since I’m so keen on flattery… Anyway, I hope I don’t let anyone down. Least of all Nicole. Nicole Vance. Yup, that Nicole (can you tell I like her a lot?).

All of our family and most of our friends know by now, but I’m pregnant. And it is such a joy. My husband Jamie and I have worked hard to get here, though not as hard as some. Respect. And to be honest, I do believe I got a bit impatient at times. I mean, how often can one person hear, “It’s all in God’s timing,” or, “God just must not think it’s the right time,” or any other combination of words putting God in control of the entire situation and leaving nothing to us humans? So basically, even though I’m mad at my husband and we’re not on speaking terms and definitely not attempting to be intimate, not even in the slightest kiss goodnight sort of way, it must just mean it’s not God’s timing.

Seriously?! I mean, if we really just needed to lie back and “Let God”, um, I’d be a married virgin. Let me just tell you now, that is most often times NOT the case. In fact, it was never the case except for Miss Sweet 16 Mary Mother of Baby Jesus.

So I bought a thermometer and started charting. And when that egg was ready, boy you’d better believe Jamie and I got over our petty arguments and tasked ourselves to do everything in our power to help God out a bit.

I kid you not, we got pregnant that month.

Pregnancy is still a mystery, however, and this I am learning anew every day. Like, who knew our baby would be referred to as a gummy bear? A raspberry? An alien parasite? All true. And no one told me that any belly you grow within the first trimester was basically just water retention, plain and simple. So whenever someone lovingly approaches me, touches my belly without so much as a “howdy do” and says, “Aw! You’re showing! What a cute little baby bump!” they’re actually just pointing out how bloated I look (they have no clue either, so I forgive them).

I have to say, though, the verse, “I knew you in your mother’s womb,” has much greater impact on me now than it ever did before. Jamie and I heard the heartbeat a few weeks back, and it brought tears to my eyes. Life. A person that God knows, and knows better than I ever will, even as his/her own mother. Even now, even as it grows inside my own body. And the same was (and is) true for how God knew me in my mother’s womb. What a mystery.

While I am thankful every day for this little bug growing inside, there’s no end to the weird stuff that goes on. And while I hope none of it sounds like I’m complaining, I want to share those quirks with you, cyberworld, and perhaps share in an experience that billions of people have had, and will most likely continue to have, for a very long time.

Next post:

The Boobs (AKA Man's Curse During Pregnancy)

Welcome to Baby Fat - The Prologue

I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant, past the so-called "danger zone" (instills a lot of confidence in one's pregnancy, huh? Can't we call it the "adventurous unknown" or something less scary?). I started blogging about this weird miracle when I was 10 weeks along. I'll be posting the beginning entries and trying to catch up to where I am now as soon as possible.

Please forgive me, but I'm really not a picture person. It's not that I don't like posting images, but I'm just not great at doing it. Hopefully my writing style and the humor that comes from reality will keep you reading (and trust me, there's plenty to laugh about when it comes to pregnancy).

Subscribe/follow so you'll get the latest as soon as I post! Thanks so much for reading, and I really hope you enjoy the journey.

Comments are encouraged! If you've gone through something similar or want to hear about something in particular or just want to be heard, please comment. I love reading your comments, and it makes me feel less narcissistic knowing I'm not just writing for my own enjoyment :/