Motherhood and Mortality

Not to bring you all into a severe depression, but one of the realities I've recently been faced with is the inevitability of mortality.

I first had a glimpse into death when my grandmother passed away at 102. She was constant in my life up to that point, and now I can't see or hear her any more. And ever since that awful shooting happened at that elementary school and all those children (and adults) lost their lives, I'm suddenly looking at my unborn daughter with a new set of eyes. It's a heavy though healthy awareness, understanding the truth and nearness of physical death. The truth is, while I know I'm in safe hands and trust my doctor and the hospital where I'll deliver, I know that ultimately my life and death, and the life and death of my baby girl, are in the hands of God. Both now and in the future. And He works in mysterious ways.

"Six weeks and counting," I tell people, and I'm not referring to liftoff. It's as if I've reached (and passed) my prime in pregnancy and am now facing the biggest physical challenge of my life, which I am. I've found myself worrying, wondering, "Can I do it (though I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me)?" And, "Can my body do it (though I have been given everything pertaining to life and godliness)?" The cord could be caught (but her heartbeat is normal...), I think she's transverse, meaning, laying sideways when she should be head down (though babies can turn up to the last minute). What if she's too big/small? Etc. etc.

The unknown can be nerve-racking. And continuously asking unanswerable questions can lead a person to madness. I know this.

That is why, with my church's recent dedication to memorizing the basic beliefs of our Christian faith, I've had to make a conscious effort to choose, every day, to trust God for my life and my child's. It's not easy, but it's the best option I have.

"I am not my own but belong, body and soul, both in life and in death, to God and to our Savior Jesus Christ."

That means I live for the Lord. And I want the Lord to use me even in my manner of dying.

Someone once said, "I am change in God's pocket. He can spend me however he wants." And it's true. I'm thankful He knows my name, set me in a family, surrounded me with love as well as hardship in order to show Himself capable and worthy. I'm thankful I can spend eternity with Him because of Jesus' sacrifice.

But I know that He is God and I am not. He never promised me that I would die at 102 like my grandma, peacefully in my sleep. He never promised me that I would always have the wonderful gifts He's given me (my husband, my family, friends, house... child...). He isn't "safe." And for Him to take any of those things from my life makes Him no less worthy or loving. It makes Him God. His ways are not my ways, and how He goes about bringing His ultimate plan to fruition is His business and His right. I laid down my pursuit of self-comfort and self-protection when I chose to follow Him.

James 4:13-15 says, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"

Oh, how sharp the sting of loss can be! Especially the loss of security, which happens when we realize our days on this earth may be fewer than we first assumed. But how comforting to rest on His word - "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "He remains faithful even when I am faithless." He has counted every single little hair on my head...

And He knows my name. A true comfort in times when the unknown surrounds.

So I will do my best to not worry (for what can worrying add to my life?), to face the challenge with faith in the goodness of God and His plan, and to be sincerely cheerful even when surrounded by the unknown. Because God has made Himself known, and He is good. And He will always exist.

To quote a favorite passage in C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe:



"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion, the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan, "I thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the king I tell you."

Those who tell me, "Everything will be fine," are just trying to comfort me. But the truth is, no one knows what lies ahead. No one knows how they will die. And if we're following Jesus, we really don't know how we will live - for He is adventurous, mysterious. Unknown. Our best hope is to trust in His goodness and hold tightly to His mane.